9:49 PM

one of these days
youll find me scribbling my skin
in hopes of discovering
what makes me human
and if i fail
to figure out
will you help me patch myself up

Well, fuck you too.

I want to eat at dhabas. Genuine dhabas. Somewhere around nowhere. Not those overly hyped dhabas in DHA that serve nutella parathas.
I'm sick of fancy restaurants and grills and cafes. Fancy places in general. I don't want burgers or steaks. I want daal roti.
I want to see places whether it's Saddar or Hunza. I want to come out of my comfort zone. One that I didn't even build for myself.
I want to be able to do all of these things or any one of these without being told that I can't because I'm a girl.

9:35 AM

Do you know what it's like waking up in the middle of the night wondering if any of this is real?
Do you worry about what's to come, what's been done, what any of this has been?
Do you stay up at night and quietly look around yourself and think about the bigger picture, the wasted potential, the life you could have had?
Do you sit in the dark and tell yourself it isn't your fault, you didn't know any better, it had to happen?
Is that why you have those bags under your eyes?

6:13 AM

Has anyone ever noticed how we're all trying so hard to make sense of abruptly profound combinations of words somebody just put together to come off as philosophical for no apparent reason?
Has anyone ever noticed how we're all trying so hard to fit into places we don't belong?

12:06

If I had a penny for every time I lost my glasses I would still be poor because I shop a lot.
So, that makes me blind and poor...

Ashtray

Lost in thought, you inhale your cigarette way too deep and without realizing you let your lungs soak in smoke while you let yourself float over what remains of your damaged self-esteem.

9:06 am

Remember, nobody can make you feel like shit without your consent. Remember, you're the only person you need to make you feel better. Remember, you're the only constant in your life.

Don't let other people take charge of how you feel. Don't be the bitch who lets everyone make them feel vulnerable because you're so much more than that. 

Gone too soon.

would you remember
the things i said
the words i wrote
the time we couldn't have
the conversations we could have had
the way my hair would smell
after im dead?

Anxiety + 2 mugs of coffee

178 people on whatsapp
33 on snapchat
a couple hundreds on twitter
almost a thousand on Facebook
not one person to talk to

16.12.14

we find
ourselves joking
about death more often
than we should.
it could be closer than you
could have ever imagined.

Hello.

you were meant to conquer
but you to doubt yourself
you were meant to be extraordinary
but youre too afraid

Nami Danam -Amir Khusrau

Nami danam chi manzil bood shab jaay ki man boodam;
baharsu raqs-e bismil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.
Pari paikar nigaar-e sarw qadde laala rukhsare;
sarapa aafat-e dil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.
Khuda khud meer-e majlis bood andar laamakan Khusrau;
Muhammad shamm-e mehfil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.

Translation:

I wonder what was the place where I was last night,
all around me were half-slaughtered victims of love, tossing about in agony.
There was a nymph-like beloved with cypress-like form and tulip-like face,
ruthlessly playing havoc with the hearts of the lovers.
God himself was the master of ceremonies in that heavenly court,
oh Khusrau,
where (the face of) the Prophet too was shedding light like a candle.

I promise

one of these days
youll find me dead
or dying
in a field of tulips
at sunrise
and
it will be the most beautiful thing youve ever seen

For better or for worse.

coffee stained love letters
never sent
help keep you warm
on some of the coldest nights.

4:48 am

somewhere
between an aching body
and an aching soul
is a heart
that hopes
for a ceasefire
between the ego and the conscience

Rants for sale. Need to pay for internet.

What is a life without torrents is the question I that keeps me up at night because I recently changed my internet connection to a network that doesn't understand human needs. I stay up all night thinking about all the movies I would be watching if it weren't for capitalism. They promise you unlimited internet that expires after 30GBs. So you actually get 30GBs and high hopes followed by slow internet and heart break.
Everyone's talking about the latest shows and episodes and you're like yeah, I have unlimited internet but it's reached it's limit so I'll just buy the DVDs.

6:17am is when you fuck grammar.

sometimes
all you want
is nothing more
than to mean something
to someone
and do things
that matter
because
when you die
people don't remember
the things you did
but
the things you made them feel

Welcome back, self.

Hey, youu.

I realize I haven't been around as much as I should've, but I'm here now and it feels great.
I shall return with something worth reading and writing.

Till then,
A.

Stuck in reverse.

It was exactly two days ago I wore my uniform for the last time, and probably the last uniform I'll ever wear, unless I find myself employed by McDonalds. The feeling sucked. I mean you're happy when a school year ends because you've waited for summer a little too long, but when school ends all together and you have no idea what you've been waiting for isn't exactly the greatest feeling in the world.

Nothing's going to compensate for waking up at 6:30, getting ready in 15 minutes (breakfast included) and always being late for the school bus. Nothing's going to compensate for the annoying kids always whining about their non-existant boyfriends and relationships. Nothing's going to compensate for the feeling when I put my earphones in to get away from everything I couldn't care less about. Nothing's going to compensate for getting off the bus like a zombie and having my friends laugh at me walking like a duck. Nothing's going to compensate for sleeping through econ...okay, bunking econ compensates. Or did. Sleeping through Law, bunking law. Bunking socio and attending socio after getting caught and bunking again. Nothing's going to compensate for the bullshit we talked about, and nothing will compensate for the people I've met and grown to love. Nothing will compensate for the morning hugs and the long walks, and the sun tans.

Not being able to wear that uniform is scary. Not knowing what lies ahead is scarier. 

Little happy things #3

Humza Rana made me look skinny.