Gone too soon.

would you remember
the things i said
the words i wrote
the time we couldn't have
the conversations we could have had
the way my hair would smell
after im dead?

Anxiety + 2 mugs of coffee

178 people on whatsapp
33 on snapchat
a couple hundreds on twitter
almost a thousand on Facebook
not one person to talk to

16.12.14

we find
ourselves joking
about death more often
than we should.
it could be closer than you
could have ever imagined.

Hello.

you were meant to conquer
but you to doubt yourself
you were meant to be extraordinary
but youre too afraid

Nami Danam -Amir Khusrau

Nami danam chi manzil bood shab jaay ki man boodam;
baharsu raqs-e bismil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.
Pari paikar nigaar-e sarw qadde laala rukhsare;
sarapa aafat-e dil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.
Khuda khud meer-e majlis bood andar laamakan Khusrau;
Muhammad shamm-e mehfil bood shab jaay ki man boodam.

Translation:

I wonder what was the place where I was last night,
all around me were half-slaughtered victims of love, tossing about in agony.
There was a nymph-like beloved with cypress-like form and tulip-like face,
ruthlessly playing havoc with the hearts of the lovers.
God himself was the master of ceremonies in that heavenly court,
oh Khusrau,
where (the face of) the Prophet too was shedding light like a candle.

I promise

one of these days
youll find me dead
or dying
in a field of tulips
at sunrise
and
it will be the most beautiful thing youve ever seen

For better or for worse.

coffee stained love letters
never sent
help keep you warm
on some of the coldest nights.

4:48 am

somewhere
between an aching body
and an aching soul
is a heart
that hopes
for a ceasefire
between the ego and the conscience

Rants for sale. Need to pay for internet.

What is a life without torrents is the question I that keeps me up at night because I recently changed my internet connection to a network that doesn't understand human needs. I stay up all night thinking about all the movies I would be watching if it weren't for capitalism. They promise you unlimited internet that expires after 30GBs. So you actually get 30GBs and high hopes followed by slow internet and heart break.
Everyone's talking about the latest shows and episodes and you're like yeah, I have unlimited internet but it's reached it's limit so I'll just buy the DVDs.

6:17am is when you fuck grammar.

sometimes
all you want
is nothing more
than to mean something
to someone
and do things
that matter
because
when you die
people don't remember
the things you did
but
the things you made them feel

Welcome back, self.

Hey, youu.

I realize I haven't been around as much as I should've, but I'm here now and it feels great.
I shall return with something worth reading and writing.

Till then,
A.

Stuck in reverse.

It was exactly two days ago I wore my uniform for the last time, and probably the last uniform I'll ever wear, unless I find myself employed by McDonalds. The feeling sucked. I mean you're happy when a school year ends because you've waited for summer a little too long, but when school ends all together and you have no idea what you've been waiting for isn't exactly the greatest feeling in the world.

Nothing's going to compensate for waking up at 6:30, getting ready in 15 minutes (breakfast included) and always being late for the school bus. Nothing's going to compensate for the annoying kids always whining about their non-existant boyfriends and relationships. Nothing's going to compensate for the feeling when I put my earphones in to get away from everything I couldn't care less about. Nothing's going to compensate for getting off the bus like a zombie and having my friends laugh at me walking like a duck. Nothing's going to compensate for sleeping through econ...okay, bunking econ compensates. Or did. Sleeping through Law, bunking law. Bunking socio and attending socio after getting caught and bunking again. Nothing's going to compensate for the bullshit we talked about, and nothing will compensate for the people I've met and grown to love. Nothing will compensate for the morning hugs and the long walks, and the sun tans.

Not being able to wear that uniform is scary. Not knowing what lies ahead is scarier. 

Little happy things #3

Humza Rana made me look skinny. 

All good things come to an end.

You can never prepare yourself for goodbyes. Even if you do p
repare yourself, you can never predict the outcome. But I'll give it a shot anyway. Since school's almost ending and everything's changing. Big decisions need to be made. I need to make a plan for myself, I need to plan exactly what I want to do with my life. But right now, I'm predicting what goodbyes for me are going to be like.

I'm obviously going to be extremely emotional, and I can't really put emotions into words... So I'm going to draw instead.

This is a Patatu. A sad patatu.

Stop playing games with my heart!

I had three slices of pizza for dinner, and two slices of cake because I was starving before dinner. And now I'm having trouble farting. Probably shouldn't be writing about this, but all hail freedom of speech.

I feel impregnated by gas, probably because I'm trying too hard to push it out. And this is all too much information, but just so you know, gas gives terrible heart aches, the kind that make Shehbaz Sharif feel like he's having a heart attack.

Too. Much. Pain.

C'est la vie: Such is life.

"Something that you say when something happens that you do not like but which you have to accept because you cannot change it."

The sun's rising, wind blows your hair onto your face, you're walking alone, you're wishing to find yourself but all that surrounds you is nothing. You're tired, you've been soul searching for days now. Solace is just an illusion, your heart tells you to stop because there's only dead ends ahead. But you can't stop because you're too numb to feel what your heart wants you to feel. 

You can't stop because you like it. You like walking through the dusk. You feel invincible. You like the humidity gently touching your cheeks, and you like the grass tickle your feet. You whisper, "la vie est belle: life is beautiful". But is it really?

The grass is no longer beneath your bare feet because you've been walking for too long. You're far ahead from where you started. 

The sun is out now. You find it harder to breathe but you keep on going. You're walking on cold white cement, one step at a time. You're slowing down. Steps become smaller, baby steps. You're there. On top of the world, facing the sun. How does it feel? You don't know. You're just standing there. Looking down on empty streets then looking up at the sky. You take a step ahead, ask yourself if you're sure. You step back.

You're not afraid of heights, are you? You can't remember the last time you felt this good, like you could do anything. Like you could fly. You take a step back. 

You're over the sun. You're walking forward now. You ask yourself if you're sure. 

Are you?

Aap kay chacha jaan nay aap ki saalgirah pur aapko aik ghardee tuhfay main dee. Khat likh kar un ka shukriya adaa karain.

I miss O'level urdu classes. And I miss eleventh grade.

Kamra-e-Imtihan,
Dawood Public School, Karachi.

10- February-2011.

Muhtaram Chacha jaan, Asalam Alaikum.

Umeed hai aap aur aapkay ghar walay yaani meray rishaty daar khairiay say hongay. Aap meri saalgirah per aye mujhay bohat khushi hui. Aapka tohfa bhee bohat pasand aya.
Pehlay tou mainay socha nahen kholun kyun kay uska dabba bohat khubsuurat tha, laikin phir socha khol lun, aur jab mainay khola tou usmain say aik ghardi niklee. Mainay phir usay band kar kay rakh diya. Aap kay tohfay ka bohat bohat bohat bohat bohat shukriya.
Iss saalgirah par meray paas 86 ghardiyan jamaa hogayen hain. Laikin mai sirf aapki waali pehen kay phirtee hun. Kyunkay woh mujhay bohat achee lagti hai.
Aap mujhay meri aanay waali saalgirah par bhee ghardi hee dejiye ga. Aur mai woh bhee pehen kar phiruungi.
Shukriya.

faqat, aapki bhateeji.

Zubairi the Berry. 

Title? What title?

It was last month when I had to go to the bank to get a draft made to LUMS. No, I'm not going to LUMS as a student, I'm going as a participant. It was little before the bank lady fired at me with the question I often ask myself along with everyone else, "So, what do you want to be studying after college?" And then I killed her in my head. Because I don't know what I want to study or what I want to be or where I want to go. I don't know if it's supposed to be easy, or is it always this hard for everyone. Because if it isn't, hating everyone is completely justified.

So far, I've wanted to be a surgeon, because I've watched Grey's Anatomy for long enough to learn a few fancy terms and a few diagnosis of a few diseases. And because surgery looks amazing on the screen. Then I wanted to be an FBI behaviour analyst, because Criminal Minds is honestly the best show ever. Not even going to bring Dexter here because serial killers don't get paid. Then I wanted to be a lawyer, because Suits inspired me, but I hate talking, but I like thrashing people and badassery.

Or I could be a writer, and I could write shows about twisted people who have no direction in life, because all they do is watch TV shows and listen to music, and they're too busy hating people.

Or I could doodle for eternity.

1. Afros are the easiest to draw.

2. Ears are the hardest to draw.

3. I can draw better on paper.

4. I bothered making eyebrows, but the afro ate 'em.

New Year's Resolution #3: Write more.

I've been so far away from writing lately, I've forgotten how this is done. How to start off and what to write. But I have my excuse, I was busy studying for me exams, even though I wasn't. But it doesn't matter.

On the bright side, I have an awesome background. This way, I will always be prepared for a zombie apocolypse. 

New Year's Resolution #2: Never Write Poetry.

I gave a shot at poetry. This is what I came up with. The title is more like a caution note. This resolution is for the greater good, so you will want to thank me.

Poetic Injustice

Roses are red,

violets are blue,

you probably think I'm random,

well, I do too.

I was supposed to be looking for a background for this blog, 

but I changed my mind, 

Interest in poetry, I am trying to find.

 It is hard to find a conclusion,
I am writing in pure confusion.
I thought rhyming was hard, turns out it isn't,
I'm going to rhyme this one with blood transfusion.